Hi, my name is Amy and I am a vampire and every time I say that I think that I sound like I have joined some sort of help group and I should now say:
"It has now been three weeks since I had my last drink of blood," this should be followed by everyone else in the group clapping.
As I mentally look around the group I can see the werewolf is now wearing a large flee collar with the name Fido on it,
which is a little odd as we all know his real name is Fred the Wolf, and at the moment is licking his lips looking towards the Otherkin with the Rabit animal soul
And as we can all see the ghost it is really no point in him moving things around the room and going woooooooooooo all the time,
and the next time he leaps out and say boo to me I am personally going to exorcise him by sucking him up in a vacuum cleaner.
HEALTH WARNING Do not do drugs !
Before ripping the head off your latest walking packed lunch first remember to ask if he/she does drugs,
if yes it is still ok to kill but not to drink unless you wish to lay on your back for 3 days in your underground bedroom watching Pink Bats
swimming breast stroke across the ceiling
Anyway I am going way out the point of today I am going to explain to you a very important numbering system that every vampire girl
should know by heart, and that is the special numbers that explain exactly how far you are prepared to go with a boy and it is called the Base System, so here goes ...
When dating it is handy to know the code words of what you are doing with each other. Believe it or not others have also done it, and have even numbered it!
So what is at 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th base? ... And yes there is a 5th base.
OK, this is the one we normally call making out, and unless you are on heat it stops at kissing, hugging and generally grabbing at each other. At this stage you can bite a boy but he is not allowed to bite you back.
Even with humans the boy needs to pay for the meal out, in this case it is him on the menu.
Letting a boy feel you above the waist - you know where I mean. For some reason boys are fascinated with boobs,
and with plastic surgery so easily available nowadays I don't see why they don't get their own.
Something to remember at this stage in a relationship is the golden rule that the only person allowed to touch your boobs with cold hands is a doctor.
If a boy forgets this golden rule and laughs as you leap in the air with the first stages of frost bite,
you are fully entitled to ban him from touching them or other parts of your body until he learns the error of a misplaced laugh.
It is a good idea to also threaten to give him a very painful bite in a place where he can't show his friends.
This is when you let a boy bite you and you can both suck each other's blood - just don't let your parents find out or they will start start planning a wedding.
(carry a packet of tissues to wipe away the blood stains).
Homerun (er ... raising one's tail)
This is called running the bases,
Unlike Human Girls this is Doing all of the above when on heat, as this only happens every 20 years or so and starts with biting of furnature giving your perants time to lock you in yuour room.
it is also called getting pregnant and discovering that you have not just raised your tail and instantly got pregnant! as I said you are on heat But, due to a bonding contract signed years ago by your parents, you now have a lifetime mate!
This can also come as a pleasant surprise to the boy who will be so happy he will wish to leave the Nest as fast as he can to celebrate. He is generally so overcome with excitement that some of your male relatives may have to knock him unconscious and drag him to a quiet room where they can show him the contract and gently explain to him his new role as a loving mate and father, and also point out how lucky he is to have them protect him from various painful accidents that could so easily happen to him if he did not quickly become a relative.
Sometimes I worry if I am not politically correct ..........
but then I think heck who cares................
Thoughts such as it is getting safer for humans due to obesity ..............
true the human cant run away so fast but even when attacked by a group can still walk away
leaving lots of bloated vampires moaning they have eaten too much to fly home and will now have to take a taxi
If you have found this useful, then look out for more helpful hints from my book:
Where to buy "FANGS RULE" A Girls Guide to being a Vampire
Where to buy "VAMPIRE the strange life of a teenage Vampire"
Fangs Rule vampire Books
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